Marriage Is Fun

No marriage blog would be complete without addressing bedroom issues. Today’s post aims to do just that, and given our propensity for charts and formulas we have devised a progression of which every couple should be aware. Many marriages fail because couples expect things to remain exactly the same forever. The problem is that people don’t stay the same. Spouses have to be willing to love each other even as we change into different people over time.

If you need evidence of this fact you need look no further than the bedroom behavior progression. How long you’ve been married will likely determine where you are on the spectrum, but other factors can play into this as well. The stages of progression can be viewed as various genres of video entertainment. Which one are you?

Stage 1: The Soap Opera – The Soap Opera stage is closely tied to that phase often referred to as the “Honeymoon period.” During this stage couples sleep in each other’s arms and cuddle up next to each other. The couple could very easily share a twin bed without complaining. This comes in handy for many young couples as smaller beds are cheaper to obtain than large beds. Fighting over the covers is not an issue as it is hard to distinguish one person from the other.

Stage 2: The PG Movie – After the Soap Opera period wears off couples move into the PG Movie stage. During this stage couples sleep on opposite sides of the bed with a large gap in between them. Giving a good night kiss is allowed but is just a precursor to the inevitable roll-over which leaves each spouse facing opposite ways. PG Movies portray this a lot since it doesn’t raise a lot of questions from children. Basically, it looks like a sleep-over party. This stage requires a bed larger than the twin size. A double bed will work for skinny couples, but may not provide enough buffer space between them. A Queen or King size bed is preferable for this stage as the goal is to barely be in the same room together. One of the fun aspects of this stage is the silent game of tug-of-war that gets played for the covers. All throughout the night the spouses attempt to tuck the covers in such a way as to not lose any coverage while pulling some of the cover from the other. Whoever awakens with the most cover wins, although the score is never spoken out loud. (I’m currently winning at my house, but Kristy has won several key rounds recently.)

Stage 3: The Sitcom – After progressing through varying degrees of the PG Movie stage some couples realize that Lucy and Desi were smarter than we thought with their separate beds. While the additional space of the PG Movie stage is nice it doesn’t solve the problem of the bed covers as mentioned above. It also doesn’t address issues such as snoring or those annoying early-morning people. Having separate beds solves many of these issues, especially if the beds are in separate rooms. The size of the bed is once again rendered irrelevant as a twin or double bed is now useable. I’m hoping that when Kristy and I get to this stage we can just have bunk beds, but I’ll have to figure out some way to build me a mechanical lift.

But seriously: The fact that we change as people throughout our marriage is not something to take lightly. As our interests, tastes and even our personalities change our ability to love each other is tested. We don’t seem to mind watching children grow and change who they are, but do we allow our spouses the same freedom?

What about you? Do you have any insight to share on the bedroom progression or the changes we go through as we age?

Technology seems to impact everything around us. Our jobs, our hobbies and our interactions can all change with technological advances. This is even true in our marriages. Since relationships are real and not virtual (if your marriage is virtual then this blog may not apply) it may be easy to overlook the impact of technology. Today’s post aims to point out some of the areas where technology may be impacting your marriage for the worse.

Here are some warning signs that technology may, in fact, be damaging your marriage’s communication:

• You use Internet shortcuts when actually talking – e.g. “He said that? LOL!”
• You send each other text messages even when your sitting in the same room
• You finalize “what’s for dinner” by exchanging Facebook status updates
• You interrupt your spouse after ever 140 characters
• You can’t remember the last time the two of you had dinner without a phone
• He won’t answer your phone call but he will respond to your text message
• When you think of your spouse you picture them as they are in their Facebook profile pic
• You call their mobile instead of walking to the other end of the house to speak to them

But seriously: We all know that communication is vital to our marriage, but do we spend time trying to improve it? Do you put technology to work making your marriage better? Or is it just another way to avoid each other while still keeping things moving? Remember, what your spouse really needs to hear is “I <3 u”.

Now it’s your turn. What other “warning signs” can you think of?

My wife and I recently went on a trip to Haiti with an organization called A Home in Haiti. And while we enjoy traveling together there is one task that pushes our marriage to the limits – packing the bags. I’m sure this is not specific to our marriage so today’s post will take a closer look at the perils of bag packing.

There are two basic types of bag packers. The first is the Type A bag packer. This person likes to pack clothes in sets (or “outfits”) and packs additional sets just in case they are needed. The Type A packer likes to have more than is needed to be ready for whatever comes their way. The order of the packing is also important and is based on a cryptic formula involving the trip itinerary, the color schemes in use and the alignment of various stars and planets. Packing for this person usually takes a few days as things are rearranged to match last-minute changes.

The other type of packer is the Type Z bag packer. This person packs items by number – 3 pair of underwear, 3 pair of socks, 3 pair of shorts, etc. This person usually assumes that some items can either be washed or worn dirty during a trip so the number of required items is limited. Color schemes are less important to this person other than the fact that they tend to utilize khaki and brown to keep things simple. The order in which items are packed is usually irrelevant and something akin to a child’s toy box. Packing for this person usually takes about an hour and is usually done at the last possible minute.

So What?

So what does this mean for your marriage? Here are two steps that you should follow to help minimize stress for your next trip.

1. Determine which type of packer you and your spouse are.

This may seem obvious but is a very important step. Type A and Type Z can apply to either gender so the makeup of each couple can be very different. In my marriage my wife is a type A packer while I am a definite Type Z. (Well, there was that one trip when I took five pair of shoes, but that was due to watching a season of Project Runway. I only returned with three pair.) In some marriages both couples may have the same tendency so observe carefully before jumping to conclusions.

2. Follow the matrix of packing rules shown below:

• If both of you are Type A, then you should each pack your own bags. Do not attempt to combine luggage or you will put your marriage in jeopardy.
• If one of you is Type A and the other is Type Z, then you should allow the Type A person to pack the luggage for both of you. This may seem like you are putting too much stress on the Type A person, but in the long run this is the best solution.
• If both of you are Type Z, then don’t worry about it. You can just wear whatever gets packed and you probably won’t be too worried about it. Just make sure that someone has the tickets and passports.

But seriously: Traveling can be a fun and rewarding activity for couples, but it can also be stressful. The important thing is to allow the stress to pull you together. Sometimes surviving a trip that seems out of control can bring a closeness that might otherwise be missed. So be ready for the stress – whether traveling or just getting through your work week – and tackle it together.

What about you? Do you have any great traveling stories to share? Tell us in the comments!

One thing I will readily admit about men is that we tend to underestimate things. Whether it’s that bathroom remodeling project that went six months instead of six weeks or the do-it-yourself shed that has yet to be assembled, some things prove more complicated than they appear on the surface. For newly married men that includes candles.

Those of you who have been married for a while know what I’m talking about. Today’s post is intended as a guide for men who are either contemplating marriage or are just recently married. And my guess is that your pre-marriage counseling did not cover this, so read carefully.

Here are the top three things you should know about candles.

1. You can never have enough candles – Most men would assume that candles are like light bulbs. You only need so many at any given time. This is not true. Apparently candles are like socket wrenches. Each candle fits a particular day…or mood…or something. You need to have all the different varieties on hand just in case you encounter that particular day…or mood…or something. Budget accordingly.

2. Not all candles are supposed to be lit – This is critically important. We all know the primary purpose of candles is to provide light. We also quickly learn that the secondary purpose is to stink up the room with “spring flowers” or “chamomile”. What is sometimes harder to realize, though, is that some candles are only for decoration. More importantly, there is no distinguishing feature that separates the lightables from the unlightables. The lesson here is that if a candle has not been previously lit, the husband should not be the first one to light it – even in the bathroom.

3. Never let your wife know you hate the smell of a particular candle – Sure, the first rule in marriage is to communicate how you feel and what things bother you, but candles are a clear and important exception. If your wife discovers that you simply hate the smell of “peach butter marmalade” she will use it to keep you out of certain areas of the house. Soon you won’t be able to go anywhere in the house without being overwhelmed with the stench …er scent… of that particular candle.

I’m sure there are more items that could be covered, but that should cover the basics. The important thing is to be aware of the strange relationship between women and their candles.

But seriously: Candles can be a good indicator of the health of your relationship. When you think of candles do you think of romance? Or just another thing the two of you argue or disagree over? If you want it to be about romance you have to put some time and effort into the relationship. That candle is not going to light itself.

I know my wife loves me. That is not the issue. The issue is that I’m a man and I therefore like to rank things. That in itself wouldn’t be an issue except that I don’t rank very high in our family hierarchy. The way I see it I’m in a close race with our two chickens for eighth place. (At least I get to sleep inside most days.)

I’m convinced this is a fairly common issue for men, even though we do not mention it. If you think I’m being unreasonable consider these scenarios:

• Our Shih-tzu poops on the kitchen floor and my wife cleans it up without an issue. I leave a pair of underwear on the bathroom floor and suddenly our house is contaminated and must be cleaned throughout immediately (by me.)
• Our golden retriever stinks horribly after eating dead animals, but still gets a hug and some kisses. I pass gas and get banished from the room.
• Cleaning my son’s ferret cage is no big deal for my wife, but having to pick up a cup that I left in the den almost breaks her.

I could go on but I think you get the idea. I totally understand my kids taking the top spot around our house, but I don’t like competing with the pets. I’m pretty sure the pets know this too. They give me a smug look every time I’m getting a lecture about leaving my clothes on the floor or something similar. It seems the only way I can move up in rank is when one of our pets dies or goes missing. (For the record, I had nothing to do with the disappearance of our duck.)

Here are my suggestions for handling it:

1. Don’t have pets – This gets harder with children. I finally reached the point where I could easily tell my wife “no” and then we had a daughter. It’s a lot harder to say “no” when my daughter comes up with the animal in her hands begging to have it.
2. Keep pets with short lives – Hamsters and gerbils do not usually live as long as dogs and cats. Around our house chickens don’t last too long either, but I’m not sure why that is. I’m suggesting frogs and lizards for my kids from this point forward.

But seriously: Are we guilty of showing compassion to everyone except our spouse? What would your spouse say gets more of your affection? Do you show more interest and understanding for friends, coworkers or strangers?

What about you? What puts you in second place – or further down the list?

It has been a while since the Marriage is Fun Blog has been updated. Well, if anyone is still interested, we will be firing up the blog posts once again. The plan is to post with the following frequency:

• Regular Marriage Post – once a week (Thursdays?)
• Marriage Book Reviews – once a month
• Questions, Links, Random Stuff – every once in a while

So what do you think? Does that sound like a good plan? Is anyone still out there?

Do you and your spouse share any common activities or hobbies? Or is spending time together limited to meals, special occasions and random encounters? If you have been married for a while your activities may have changed over time leaving very little in common. And while that may not be any cause for panic, it is a good idea to find a few activities that the two of you can share together.

Choosing couple activities can be tricky, though. This article will provide some guidelines to help you avoid the most common pitfalls. We’ll begin with some ground rules and then move into some examples of good and bad ideas for couple activities.

Ground Rules:

Do not chose an activity that is too competitive – This rule will eliminate most sporting events such as tennis or golf. In case you haven’t noticed, men hate to lose. Many men would rather take an injury to end a game than to lose a game. This would not be a problem except that women are usually just as competitive – often in a passive, subtle way. My wife, who is usually very giving and caring for others, enjoys nothing more than beating me at a game or activity. Her enjoyment grows greater with the margin of defeat.

Do not chose an activity that involves animals – This rule should be self explanatory. (And, no, I’m not just scarred from the bunny incident.)

Discouraged Activities:

Competitive sports (tennis, basketball, baseball/softball, etc.) – As mentioned earlier these activities are too competitive to be healthy for a relationship. Either the wife will end up losing every time (possibly even intentionally) or the husband will end up with an injury which ends the game and postpones future activities indefinitely.

Shopping – While shopping helps to eliminate the competition issue, it presents challenges of its own. The chief problem is that men and women usually have different goals for shopping. For most men shopping is about getting what you need as quickly as you can. For most women shopping is an expression of tastes and styles – much more than just the items which are being purchased.

Suggested Activities:

NASCAR - As long as you both have heads that swivel back and forth on your neck you can both watch cars drive in a circle around a track. These events are also quite noisy, eliminating the awkward conversation requirement of many other activities. In fact, if you wish to communicate, you will need to yell at each other. This is about the only time you get to yell at your spouse without causing problems. (“I’m going to the rest room! I’ll be right back!”) It combines all the best parts of marriage while avoiding the “mushy stuff.”

Concerts - If you can find musical acts that you both enjoy, concerts can provide a great opportunity for couple activities. One word of advice to the ladies, though, before you get to the concert remind us that we can’t dance. If you fail to remind us of this critical fact, we cannot be held responsible for any embarrassment that may arise.

Hiking - While running or jogging can sometimes get too competitive, hiking rarely breeds competition. In addition to being a healthy activity, hiking can inspire a sense of wonder at this amazing planet we inhabit. Hiking also makes a great couple activity because men need someone to read a map. Since asking directions or reading maps conflicts with our innate sense of direction, hiking alone is not advisable for men.

But seriously: Do you and your spouse have activities that you can enjoy together? Having your own hobbies and interests are great, but take some time to intentionally do things together. How we spend our time says a lot about what we value. What message are you sending your spouse about how much they are valued?

What would you be willing to do to improve your marriage? Attend counseling? Spend less time on a particular hobby? Laugh at your husbands jokes?

At times we have to do things specifically for our marriage. Some people take sabbaticals to focus on their marriage. Some people take the Love Dare. Some people take Vallium. Well, you get the picture. As the Easter holiday approaches there may be opportunities for you to take action for the sake of your marriage.

The action? Eating all the candy.

Husbands, if your wife has ever used one of the following phrases, then your action may be needed:

Does this outfit make me look fat?

I need to lose weight!

How many calories are in that?

I have nothing to wear! I’m going on a diet!

If your wife has used those phrases or similar phrases then it’s time for you to sacrifice yourself for her. By eating more than your share of the Easter candy you are helping to reduce her anxiety regarding caloric intake and scales.

Are you up for the challenge? Would you do anything for love? Even if that means downing the whole bag of pastel M&M’s or several Cadbury Creme Eggs?

I would do anything for love. Excepts Peeps. I won’t do that.

But seriously: Putting the chocolate bunnies and eggs aside, what would you be willing to do for your marriage? There is no magic list of marriage improving actions. You have to find out what your spouse wants and work to meet those needs. It may mean working less hours, going out on dinner dates, shopping together (egad!) or any number of things. Take some time today to ask your spouse what you could do to improve your marriage – and then do it!

This is the time of year when thousands of wives across America are being ignored. The phenomenon is referred to as March Madness and wives either love it or hate it. For those of you who do not get into the madness I thought I would offer a little help in understanding it. Today’s post offers the top three reasons why men love the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament.

Games are easier to predict than our wive’s. Sure, there are a lot of surprises in the tournament. But it is still easier to explain how a school nobody has ever heard of just beat the number one team in the nation than it is to explain most of the things our wives do.

We get points for being right. I don’t think I need to elaborate on this. There are not many situations where men get points for being right – even if it was just a guess.

Statistics and guts. It is a known fact that men love statistics. Well, we don’t really love them but we spout them off as if we do. Creating a bracket showing who we think will win gives us another excuse to rattle off shooting percentages, turnover ratios, etc. Well, at least 87.4% of us will use statistics to justify our choices. The other 12.6% will just “go with their gut.” And, trust me, this is the only time that you want them to do that.

But seriously: Men, the tournament should serve as a good reminder of how passionate we should be about our wives. If we can cheer with passion for a school we’ve never heard of then surely we can make time to treat our wives special. And wives, just enjoy this time with us. Let us gloat about the picks we got right without asking about the ones we missed.

What about you? Do you and your spouse watch the tournament together? What about those of you in other countries? Do you have similar events that tend to separate the men and women? Tell us in the comments!

The Marriage is Fun blog has moved. The good news is that your at our new home now, so no need to take any action. (Well, you could take your shoes off, but that’s optional.)

One of my goals in starting this blog was to learn some new things about blogging software. The site was initially hosted at blogger and now runs on WordPress. So that is basically the reason for the move.  I won’t bore you with the details, but I wanted to thank you for visiting. I’m glad you found us!