Today’s post aims to fill a gap in marriage-related written material. On the surface it may seem that there are books to cover just about every aspect of the husband-wife relationship, but this is not the case. Want a book on how to listen to your spouse? There’s a book for that. How to restore the romance in your marriage? There’s a book for that. Explain why your spouse seems to speak a different language from a different planet? There are books for that. And most books worth reading will be quick to tell you that formulas and magic phrases are not the answer. Interpersonal relationships are too complex for simple answers. Women, in particular, are too complex for simple answers. Today, however, I present to you the exception. The one known situation in which wives will respond with predictability and repeatability. Today I present two behaviors guaranteed to annoy your wife.

One may ask the seemingly obvious question, “Why would I want to annoy my wife?” The problem is that the question avoids an important point: men will annoy their wives. Like it or not, husband, you will be found annoying. If you don’t believe me just ask your wife what you do that annoys her. I’m warning you, though, you’d better have some time on your hands. The way I see it, if you’re going to annoy your wife you might as well do it right. So here are my suggestions. Add your’s in the comments so we can all be the best husbands we can possibly be.

Procrastination - I like the word procrastination. It sounds so biblical. Apparently, though, it drives my wife crazy. When my wife asks me to take out the garbage she usually uses an indirect request phrase such as, “The trash is full.” Like most men, I have learned to translate that into “You need to take out the trash.” What I have recently come to understand, though, is that inaudible sounds at the end of her statement actually translate into “Take out the trash in the next 5 minutes or else.” From my perspective, taking it out later that evening or the next day is fine. From the male perspective odor should be the determining factor in when the garbage gets taken out, not something arbitrary like the volume of garbage in the container. I only use garbage as an example, though. The art of procrastination can apply to almost any situation – when to put the clothes in the laundry room, when to fix the stove that has been broken for a few months, the list goes on and on. You are only limited by your imagination!

Recycle old clothes - I have certain clothes that my wife absolutely hates. It’s not always easy to predict which clothes will fall out of her favor, but I have noticed one general rule: If it’s extremely comfortable, it will probably not pass the wife inspection. I’ve mentioned in another post about how wives will dispose of their husband’s favorite clothes if they do not like them. The key to properly annoying your wife with your favorite old clothes is to hide them after use. When people talk about keeping your relationship interesting, this is usually the game they are referring to. The husband wears the old article of clothing and then hides it. The wife then attempts to find the article of clothing and dispose of it without as much as a mention of its disposal. This game can be played with any item that the wive dislikes – shirts, jeans, jersey, shorts and shoes. (My wife hates my Vibram Five Fingers, but that deserves its own post.)