Monthly Archives: February 2010
What Does Kindness Mean to Married Couples?
The definition of kindness can vary depending upon your state in life. For a toddler it may be sharing a piece of candy. For a homeless person it may be a quick meal or a warm place to sleep. For a student it may be bonus points or dropping their lowest score.
But what about married people? What constitutes kindness between spouses? Here are a few examples of kindness:
- Eating those first-year dinners without making a face or complaining
- Putting the toilet seat down (or up, see related post)
- Remembering to put gas in the vehicle
- Laughing at his jokes
- Not keeping track of how many pairs of shoes she owns
- Washing his socks even if it requires wearing a chemical suit to handle them
- Listening to her explain every last detail of the day (Yes, it is important to know what every person in the story is wearing)
- Accepting those anniversary flowers a few days after the actual anniversary
But seriously: Kindness may not be one of the traits we think of for establishing a great marriage, but just try to have a great marriage without it. It would be impossible. Are we sometimes guilty of showing kindness to everyone except our spouse? What is one way you can show your spouse kindness today?
Can you think of other actions that married couples do to show kindness? Add your thoughts in the comments!
This post is a part of the One Word at a Time Blog Carnival. If you would like to see what other bloggers had to say about kindness today check out the carnival link page.
Monday Meet and Greet: Who Drives?
I’m starting something new on the Marriage is Fun blog. I’m calling it the Monday Meet and Greet. The goal is to hopefully learn a little bit about each other.
All you have to do is answer one simple question. You can answer it anonymously or you can introduce yourself to us. You can even plug your blog if you want.
So, without further ado, here is today’s question:
When you and your spouse go somewhere that requires driving, who usually drives?
Stop Nagging!
There is a fine line between nagging and reminding. If you have been married for more than one month, chances are you have found yourself bumping into that line.
So which do you do? Today’s post will provide some information that husbands generally keep to themselves. But since I care about marriages I plan to share that knowledge. After all, a wise man once said, “Knowledge is power!” (Ok, maybe that was from School House Rock, but I’m only a bill… on capitol hill.)
Today’s post is definitely from the husband’s viewpoint. I’ll have to ask that you ladies use the comments to let us men know when we are nagging. But before I divulge my theory I thought I would provide a few comments so you can test your ability. Which of these are nagging and which are simply good reminders?
- “Don’t forget today is trash day.”
- “The speed limit here is 40 mph.”
- “Are you going to fix the washer today?”
- “Our anniversary is tomorrow.”
How did you do? Could you tell the nagging from the friendly reminders? I bet our answers differ based on our perceptions.
Since I’m a man I like to keep things in simple formula’s and charts. With that in mind, here is my formula for determining the difference. (Item number two is the secret information I promised.)
Nag Determination Formula:
- If the speaker is the wife, 90% of the time it is nagging. If the husband is speaking, we’re just offering gentle reminders.
- If the task is something I really want to do, it’s a reminder. Otherwise, it’s nagging.
That sounds easy, doesn’t it? The tricky part is that you cannot always predict with certainty which items we may want to do. Some are easy – e.g. “Don’t forget tonight is poker night with your friends.” Some may be less so. It’s safe to say that I don’t want to do the taxes, but if tomorrow is the tax deadline I really do want to get them done. “Don’t forget to do the taxes” is thus nagging in February but a great reminder in April.
But seriously: What we are thinking at a particular moment always affects how we interpret information from others. The use of the word nagging is a great example. It can be humorous in some cases but it can also cause a lot of friction in a marriage. So next time you feel as if you are being nagged stop and consider if the other person is just trying to be helpful. And if you are offering a lot of reminders, take a step back and consider how your spouse may be feeling. The most important thing is to show respect to each other.
The Progression of Valentine’s Day
How you celebrate Valentine’s Day may have a lot to do with how long you and your spouse have been together. For many couples the progression of Valentine’ Day goes something like this:
Dating – Dinner at a nice restaurant, roses, candy, a gift (usually jewelry) and the evening ends with a passionate kiss
Engaged -Dinner at a nice restaurant, roses, candy, skip the gift so you can afford the wedding and the evening ends with a passionate kiss
Newlywed – Dinner at a cheap restaurant (bills are piling up), flowers (something less expensive than roses), candy, a gift and the evening ends with a passionate kiss and whatever that leads to
Married 3-5 years – Dinner at home, flowers (definitely not roses), candy, a gift (something practical like a blender or toaster) and the evening ends as you both fall asleep watching movies on the sofa
Married 6-8 years – Flowers, candy, a gift (still something practical, maybe a new cell phone) and the evening ends with a hug
Married 9-10 years – Candy, a card and she hurries to bed hoping to get to sleep before he starts snoring
Married 11+ years – Pick up a bag of candy while out shopping at Wal-Mart
But seriously: How we celebrate can change over time as tokens of our affection change from physical items to intangible moments shared. The important thing is to make sure your spouse knows how you feel. Take advantage of a day like Valentine’s Day to love your spouse in whatever ways are meaningful to you both.
So what did I miss? Does this progression fit your experience? Are there other changes you’ve experienced over the years?
Heart graphic used compliments of Webweaver:
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Three Creative Valentine Gift Traps
Are you creative with your gift giving ideas? Some men are good at crafting creative Valentine surprises. The rest of us? Not so much. Chances are good that if you do not have a female friend helping you be creative, you may be headed for disaster.
Today’s post aims to be the red flag of caution to help keep creativity from damaging your marriage. Here are several “creative” ideas that you may want to avoid.
- Characters - The first important suggestion is to rule out all ideas of dressing up like any characters. No matter what that guy at the office said, you should never dress up like the cupid for any part of the Valentine’s celebration. For some reason a little chubby guy wearing a diaper is considered cute for Valentine cards. A chubby guy wearing a diaper in the kitchen is… well, scary. There is a reason that Halloween and Valentine’s day are separated by eight months.
- Home made gifts – Many well-intentioned advisors suggest considering home made gifts as a way to show that you put thought into the gift. The home made gift idea is actually a trick to test our gullibility. If my children bring my wife a hand made Valentine card it will make her day. If I give her a hand made card she will assume that I forgot to get a real card and I may lose rights to the tv remote for a few weeks. You should proceed with caution even if your wife says, “Just make me a gift.” Unless you are a master jewelry maker, designer of couture clothing or the creator of Godiva chocolate you are asking for trouble.
- Romantic getaway – For this item I just want to offer some much-needed clarification regarding romantic getaways. As a general rule if the trip itinerary includes any of the following it will not classify as a romantic getaway: football, basketball, NASCAR, guns, computers, moon pies, tools, monster trucks or fishing gear.
But seriously: We all know that the gift itself if not what is important. However, the phrase “it’s the thought that counts” could be better phrased “it’s the amount of thought that counts.” Remembering a holiday is not enough. Take some time to let your spouse know that you really care and that you pay attention to what they like. Little things can be big if they hint at a deeper understanding of each other.
Any other suggestions of what to avoid? Any suggestions of what will work?
